Strategies For A Thriving Business and A Thriving Marriage

In the February 18th, 2013 New York Times, Jane Brody writes about research into what it takes to ensure a long, loving marriage. What struck me is how applicable this research is to having a long term, productive and happy business.

Brody cites research by Richard Lucas at Michigan State University who notes that, "the happiness boost that occurs with marriage lasts only about two years, after which people revert to their former levels of happiness."

I noted how applicable that two-year threshold was to my own business experience.

Years ago, one of my first tasks as a training and development manager was to do a turnover study to find out why people voluntarily left the company where I was working. The results of my study clearly showed that the majority of voluntary turnover occurred within the first two years of someone joining the company. If people got past that two-year mark, they were likely to remain with the company for many years to come.

To overcome this "two year itch," in marriage, Sonya Lyubomirsky in her book, "The Myths Of Happiness" recommends "making time to be together and talk, truly listening to each other, and expressing admiration and affection."

Again, that marriage advice aligned with advice I give to businesses. For example, I was recently teaching a "Leadership Fundamentals" course to a company that wanted to shift the culture from one that was authoritarian where employees were afraid to be proactive to one that produced a "motivated, engaged and high performing workforce." Sonya Lyubomirsky would have been proud because the course basically dealt with scheduling time for dialogue between managers and employees, listening to one another and providing motivational feedback.

In her book, "Love 2.0," social psychologist Barbara Fredrickson notes that a flourishing relationship needs three times as many positive interactions as negative ones.

Same in the business world.

In the company mentioned above, the tenor of the conversations had been negative, focusing more on what was wrong than on what was right. This led to an environment in which people avoided taking the initiative for fear they would make a mistake. It's hard for a business to grow in that environment.

To change the culture, I trained the company executives and managers to "catch people doing something right" rather than catching them doing something wrong. In fact, I suggested they play a daily game the object of which was to give three times as much motivational as improvement feedback.

It seems that a thriving business can benefit from the same strategies that will produce a thriving marriage.

Pay Attention To Complaints: They Lead To Relationship Breakthroughs

Recently, I wrote about a surprising encounter I had with a man in a restaurant who I first assumed was "crazy" and then, after listening to him, discovered he wasn't crazy at all.

In response, I heard from a psychiatrist who is on my distribution list. Before you think that he was writing to tell me that I was the crazy one (perhaps he secretly was), this psychiatrist is my uncle and my story had reminded him of something he experienced early in his career.

I'm turning this issue over to that psychiatrist, Cliff Wilkerson, because I think there's a valuable lesson in what he experienced. I've bolded a few phrases that relate to a comment I'll make at the end.

Cliff wrote:

(Your story) reminds me of a child in a day school for the cognitively and emotionally impaired where I once consulted. He kept saying, "Matchbook" to his classmates and to his teacher who would respond, "You can't have a matchbook; matches are dangerous." She was growing impatient with the child  because he brought it up incessantly during the day, day after day. She was also frustrated that he sometimes became agitated when she would tell him about the danger of matches.

I found a matchbook and took it into class with me and, sure enough, the child came up to me and said, "Matchbook."

I took out the matchbook and the child's eyes lighted up as he held out his hand. The teacher looked on anxiously as the child took it from my hand. She firmly believed he would take out a match and strike it. Instead he pointed to the cover and said, "Mother."

"Mother?" I asked.

He nodded and handed the matches back to me. "Mother."

I told the teacher that I thought he was trying to tell her something about missing his mother when he said matchbook, that for some reason a matchbook was a transitional object for him. I suggested she give him an empty matchbook to carry in school and, when he mentioned matchbook, realize he was trying to communicate something about his need for his mother and that the matchbook would very likely quiet him.

She did as I suggested and the boy ceased his constant refrain, "Matchbook," except for times when he needed comfort from his teacher.

The end. Thanks for the contribution, Cliff.

Is there a "matchbook" in your life? Is there someone in your life who, like that child, talks about something "incessantly?" Like the teacher, do you get "frustrated" and try to make the complaint go away? After all, why pay attention to a complaining person when there are so many others who don't complain?

Consider that every complaint contains the seed of an unmet need. Like that child, perhaps the complaining person "was trying to communicate something about his need." Perhaps listening to the complaint will produce a breakthrough in the relationship that might not have occurred otherwise.

After all, a person who complains incessantly is like someone knocking on a door, trying to get the attention of those inside and who will keep knocking until the door is opened.

Perhaps it's time to open some doors.  

By the way, Cliff is also an author and has published a memoir called "Beautiful Brown Eyes and Other Stories" and will soon have a second book in circulation.

Want To Improve Your Relationships? Don't Take It Personally

You may have heard the advice, "Don't take it personally" when you have been told something about yourself that was hurtful or that surprised you or that you disagreed with.

It's hard not to take it personally. Of course, it's personal, you might think. Wasn't the person speaking personally to me?

Actually, no. In reality, the advice not to take it personally is exactly right because it isn't personal. It's never personal because the feedback is not about you but is about the person giving the feedback. In fact, feedback is information for you about the person giving the feedback and what that person needs from you to improve the relationship with you.

I'm not at all suggesting that you ignore feedback you receive. In fact, I'm suggesting the exact opposite: Pay attention to every bit of feedback you receive because you're going to hear exactly what you must do to mend, improve or enhance a relationship from the perspective of the feedback giver and only from the perspective of the feedback giver. Someone else might love the very behavior for which you are being criticized.

By the way, this also applies to feedback that you love to hear. It's not personal. It's information about what you should keep doing in order to maintain a good relationship with the person who gave you the feedback and only with that person. Someone else might dislike the very behavior for which you have just been praised.

Years ago, I was told, "Everything you do is manipulative." It was so long ago I don't even remember who said it or what the circumstances were, but I do remember being stunned by the comment. I thought about it for days. I still think about it although it was so long ago that the sting is gone.

I had no idea what he meant by the comment and I still don't. I was too embarrassed and ashamed to find out. After all, I want to be authentic and trustworthy, not manipulative and sneaky.

I wish I knew then what I know now. Whatever the person meant by his comment would have been incredibly useful feedback not only to improve my relationship with that person but, perhaps, with all people. But I was so busy taking it personally that I missed the golden opportunity with which I was being presented. I failed to ask the simple question, "What do you mean?"

Here's what I do now with all feedback but especially feedback that initially puts me back on my heels:

1.   1. Pause and take a breath before responding. Say to yourself, "It's not about me."

2.   2. If the feedback is particularly upsetting, buy yourself some time to get centered by simply parroting what you just heard. For example, "So you think that everything I do is manipulative."

3.   3. Ask, "Why do you think that" or "What am I doing that causes you to think that?"  Keep asking the person to clarify until the person tells you exactly what you are saying or doing that has caused him/her to give you the feedback.

4.   4. If you care about the relationship, do what the person has requested of you (unless, of course, it violates some ethical or moral principle). For example, if you're told, "you don't listen," listen. If you're told, "I never hear anything complimentary from you," give compliments. If you're told, "You don't help me clean the house," help. If you're told, "You didn't give me a chance to explain my side of the story," give the person a chance to explain his/her side of the story. Give up the right to be defensive and argumentative in exchange for improving the relationship.

In 1988, a woman named T. Cole-Whittaker wrote a book called, "What You Think Of Me Is None Of My Business." Great title. I would change that title, however, to "What You Think Of Me Is The Most Important Business Of My Life," especially if you are important to me.

It's just that what you think of me isn't personal.   

Fear: It's A Brain Thing

"It is not so much what happens to you as how you think about what happens."

   Epictetus, Greek Philosopher, writing in the 1st Century

As Epictetus suggested more than 2,000 years ago, our fears are not based on the facts of a situation but on our beliefs about the situation.

Epictetus was no brain scientist but he could have been. Neuroscience confirms what Epictetus was telling us.

If you take a moment to think about a fear you have, you'll notice that just thinking about it produces an emotion from mild discomfort to outright panic. Think of walking down a dark alley alone at night. Snakes. Phone calls to people we don't know (or, sometimes, people we do know). Asking for money (or, sometimes, asking for a favor). Giving or getting feedback. Job interviews. Dying.

None of that is a problem, however, unless the thought prevents us from doing what we want to do or need to do.

For example, I've worked with people who avoid delivering presentations or won't voice their opinions or are terrified of confronting a coworker even when they know their career and their life would be enhanced if they did so. A friend's entire business is based on helping people get over their fear of making phone calls to business prospects. There are brilliant people who freeze when taking a test.

So why are we afraid? Here's the neuroscience part.

Over millions of years, our brains have evolved to make sure we survive by predicting the future. After all, if a cave man needed to go into the forest to collect nuts and berries and could predict that the noise he hears is a predator and not just the wind moving tree branches, his life will be saved by not going in the forest.

The cave man did this by comparing sights and sounds he had heard in the past to the current sights and sounds and using that data to predict whether the noise was the wind or a predator.

This is exactly what our brains are doing today, right now, this minute. We take data from the past and use that to predict what will happen in the future all in the interest of making sure we survive.

As we imagine ourselves delivering a presentation, making a phone call, taking a test or being interviewed for a job, our brains try and predict what will happen so that we can be prepared.

The problem is we can't accurately predict the future. How could we? The future, you may have noticed, hasn't happened yet.

The future may occur as we have predicted, but that's only by chance. Strategic planning experts, astrologers and investment advisers may congratulate themselves when the future turns out as they predicted, but that's only because they've taken educated guesses and been lucky. There's no way to actually know what happens until it happens (even the "Back To The Future" movies had trouble with the future and the characters knew what was going to happen). 

Sometimes we're right and the future conforms to our prediction. Sometimes we're wrong.

This doesn't mean we shouldn't plan for the future based on our predictions. Make lists of pros and cons. Consult the experts. Talk it over with those you trust. Attend seminars to practice the skills you want to use. Chance seems to favor the prepared mind.

But if chance does favor our preparation well...that's just more chance.

Why is this important? Because, when we're afraid, it helps to know that it's just the brain doing its thing.

The knowledge that we create our fears is the knowledge that there is nothing to fear.

We can't control the future. But we can control our reactions when the future comes. And our big, amazing, brains will ensure that we survive that real future.

I'm creating my fears. I'm creating my fears. I'm creating my fears.

Say that over and over instead of what you currently may be telling yourself when you're afraid.

It's Words Not Wishes That Create A Future

"Whether you think you can or you think you can't you're right."

                           Henry Ford

We are largely unaware of how powerfully what we think shapes our actions. But we can gain some insight into what we think by noticing what we say. After all, "In the beginning was The Word."

In the article, “How Language Shapes Your Organization” published in the Harvard Business Review Blog Network on July 24^th, 2012, Kevin Allen discusses how language shapes a corporate culture.

He uses Enron as an example of a culture where phrases like “We’re an aggressive culture,” “We’re guys with spikes,” and “Money is the only thing that motivates” produced a culture where it was permissible to shut off energy supplies to California and manipulate markets.

Contrasted with Enron is Horst Schulze who headed the Ritz-Carlton group for many years and is credited with introducing the principle "We are ladies and gentlemen serving ladies and gentlemen."

Allen suggests that the words that become the “catch phrases” of any organization provide the “cultural permission” that creates the behavior and attitudes of an organization and its people.

“Cultural permission” is a great phrase and has implications well beyond the Corporate world. For example:

“We are better than (other countries, other people, other races)” has created the cultural permission for genocide.

“That’s a no brainer” provides the cultural permission to cut off dissent by suggesting that the person who disagrees with what everyone else thinks is obvious has no brains. To see the power of the “no brainer” phenomenon in action, consider how long it took to disprove the "no brainers" that if we travel far enough, we’ll fall off the end of the earth, bloodletting will cure almost any illness and the sun revolves around the earth.

“It’s every man for himself” will produce behavior very different from “We’re all in this together.”

“Winning isn’t everything, it’s the only thing” may give permission to act unethically in order to win. “Winning isn’t everything, but wanting to win is” (the actual Vince Lombardi quote) may produce actions that are disciplined, committed and responsible.

“I’m too busy to think” may produce thoughtless people. Lives that are stressed and rushed follow naturally from the statement, “I haven’t got the time.”

In an article in the New York Times on August 10^th, 2012 (“Beware The Nocebo Effect”), the cardiologist Bernard Lowen is quoted as saying, “Words are the most powerful tool a doctor possesses, but words, like a two-edged sword, can maim as well as heal.”

Perhaps most worrisome of all are the words we use to describe ourselves. “I’m a shy person,” “I’m an angry person” or “I’m a forgetful person” generate people who behave in ways that conform to their self descriptions even though those adjectives represent a miniscule portion of their total behavior.

We use our self descriptions as proof of our limitations, leading to statements such as “I’d love to but I’m too shy” (ignoring the many times we were outspoken), or “If only I weren’t fearful, I’d tell people my opinion” (disregarding those times when we told others exactly what we thought) or “I’d have better relationships if only I weren’t so afraid of commitment” (discounting the many commitments we have made in our lives).

Perhaps “be careful what you wish for, you may get it” is on a par with “be careful what you say, you may create it.”

Persistence, Resiliency and Luck

Does life sometimes occur to you as though each day you’re rolling a rock up a hill? Then, each evening while you sleep the rock rolls back down so that, in the morning, you have to roll that rock uphill all over again.

If so, you probably sympathize with Sisyphus in Greek mythology who was punished by the Gods for daring to escape from the Underworld. Sisyphus was forced to roll a rock up a hill and watch it fall back down for all eternity.

You may sometimes want to echo Macbeth’s sentiments: “Tomorrow and tomorrow and tomorrow creeps in this petty pace from day to day.”

And yet:

There is a school in Tiffin, Ohio named Heidelberg University, enrollment 1200 that every year plays a football game against the University of Mount Union in Alliance, Ohio with an enrollment of 2200.

Between 2004 and 2007, Heidelberg had been outscored, 187-0, in just three games played against Mount Union. Three games!

But in 2007, Heidelberg had something to celebrate. They became the only team in their conference to score points against Mount Union’s first-team defense. The score of that 2007 game? 62-3.

Since that “triumph,” the scores against Mount Union have been getting marginally closer: 49-0, 44-14, 45-7.

According to a New York Times story about the team, as they prepared for the 2011 game, the players were euphoric. “Where else would you rather be?” wide receiver Mario Escalante shouted during practice.

“Nowhere but here!” his teammates yelled back.

On October 16^th, Heidelberg lost 56-7.

Talk about rolling a rock up a hill for all eternity.

I was reminded of the movie Starman in which Jeff Bridges plays an alien from another planet marooned on earth. He is befriended by a woman who helps him rendezvous with a ship on its way to rescue him. During the journey, Bridges says to the woman, “Shall I tell you what I admire most about your species? You are at your best when things are at there worst.”

I heard a classical violinist speaking the other day about his incessant pursuit of perfection. He likened his pursuit to climbing a series of staircases. When he reaches the top step of one staircase, he noted, he is merely at the bottom step of the next. And yet he keeps rolling his rock.

In their book “Great By Choice: Uncertainty, Chaos and Luck---Why Some Thrive Despite Them All,” Jim Collins and Morten T. Hansen note that, when we flip a coin, the ratio of heads to tails evens out over time, but that we have to be willing to be resilient enough to endure the bad luck long enough to eventually get to the good luck. As they note, “Luck favors the persistent, but you can persist only if you survive.”

Or, as William Faulkner said so eloquently in his 1950 Nobel Prize acceptance speech, “I believe that man will not merely endure: he will prevail.”

Finally, Michael Lewis, author of several books, two of which have been made into movies (“The Blind Slide” and “Moneyball”) has a new book out called “Boomerang” about the current financial crisis.

While most of the book presents a fairly pessimistic view of the future, Lewis concludes the book by noting that, “As idiotic as optimism can sometimes seem, it has a weird habit of paying off.”

We just have to keep on rolling our rocks.

Find Your "Why?"

What you do and how you do it is not nearly as important as why you do it. Check out this great "Ted Talk" by Simon Sinek.

http://www.ted.com/talks/lang/eng/simon_sinek_how_great_leaders_inspire_action.html