Overcome Your Fear Of Failure

When it comes to dealing with our fears of failing, sticks and stones may break our bones but words will really destroy us.

I broke my leg when I was 17 and it healed before I turned 18. I’ve had no adverse effects from that break.

On the other hand, what we say to ourselves can destroy our ability to achieve our goals and we may believe what we say to ourselves forever.

The fear of failure is not a thing. It is not like a heavy, marble table that we can just move out of the way. We just think that it is.

What really stops us, from being bold, from really stepping out and going beyond our comfort zones, is that we think of fear of failure as a thing and things are hard to change. Tables are things. Our fear of failure is not a thing. It is nothing (no thing). You can’t overcome something that doesn’t exist.

The fear of failure exists completely in our minds. We say we’re fearful and that’s what we experience. We say we’re excited and that’s what we experience.

Imagine, for example, you’re about to pick up the phone and call someone for a date. You may notice that your heart is beating wildly, your palms are sweating and your muscles are tense. This is real fear, you may think.

Or is it? Actually, we would experience the same exact physiological response if we were excited. After all, whether being on a roller coaster is fearful or exciting for us depends on what we tell ourselves about the experience.

Recently, a friend told me that he had always wanted to start his own business, but he was afraid of failing. How does he know it’s fear and not excitement?

The other day, I spoke to the Board of a nonprofit organization that was looking for ways to raise half a million dollars when, up until then, they had never raised more than 50,000. In order to do that, the members of the Board were going to have to be a lot bolder in their requests. They were going to have to call people they had never called before and they were going to have to ask those people for more money than they had ever asked before.

However several members of the Board told me they were afraid to do so. How do they know it’s fear and not excitement?

People often asked me how for advice about writing a book. They would love to write a book, they often say, but they are fearful of doing so. How do they know it’s fear and not excitement?  

Fear of failure is an entirely human construct that is brought into existence when we label what we’re feeling as fear. Fear doesn’t exist anywhere outside of our language. We call it fear and it is so. After all, “in the beginning was The Word.”

This is not to suggest that there aren’t real fears out there. Put a gun to my head and, believe me, I won’t claim I’m excited.

So what to do? I’m going to use making a phone call to someone you’re fearful of talking to as an example:

1.   Don’t think. Don’t plan. Don’t strategize. Don’t try to change your thoughts.

     Those thoughts are just thoughts. They aren’t tables. Don’t try to move them.

2.   Pick up the phone.

3.   Press the numbers on the phone that will connect you with the person you want to talk to

4.   Make your request of this person

5.   Notice if you got what you wanted.

6.   If you did, congratulate yourself

7.   If you didn’t, get coaching to figure out what to do next.

Don’t try to control you fear. That which we resist persists. Don’t try to change your fear. That would be treating it like a table that can be moved. Just let your fear be and get into action.

You will never “heal” your fear as a broken bone will heal. Your fear isn’t real and that’s why you can’t “heal” it. Give up expecting that your fear will, somehow, disappear and just get into action. 

Time Management: Track Your Time To Produce Results

What’s an area of life that is important to you but one in which you aren’t producing the results you would like to produce? You might, for example, want more money, better relationships (or an intimate relationship) or a more satisfying career.

Now ask yourself this question: How much time do you actually devote to achieving your results? Not how much time you think you spend, but how much time you actually spend. If you’re unsure, I encourage you to keep a time log for two weeks to track the reality of how you use your time.

Keeping a time log is simple but requires discipline. On a piece of paper (or a computer) note the time when you start an activity and the time when it ends. Something that works for me when I am at my desk is to start an egg timer when I begin an activity and note how much time has passed when I conclude that activity.

If your day is full of interruptions, you’ll need to carry your time log with you and be especially diligent. And be sure to maintain the log in your personal life as well as at work.

At the end of two weeks, simply add the amount of time you were engaged in your various activities. It will become obvious to you that you are producing results in the areas where you are devoting your time and not producing results where you aren’t.

To get what you want in life, you have to take the actions consistent with getting what you want. This seems obvious, but is it? Here’s an example that suggests we sometimes delude ourselves into not seeing the obvious.

I was at a seminar the other day and a man (“Ralph”) stood up to talk about how ashamed he was that the amount of money he was making was insufficient to pay his bills and provide for his family. He repeatedly described himself as a failure.

The seminar leader asked Ralph how much money he wanted to make. He told Ralph that he didn’t have to reveal that amount, but he should think of a specific number. After a few moments of thinking, Ralph said he had that number in mind.

The seminar leader than asked Ralph how many hours per week he had to work to earn that amount. Ralph responded that he needed to work at least 40 hours.

Then the seminar leader asked, “How many hours did you work last week?”

Ralph took a while to consider his answer and then, in a soft voice that had me straining to hear he answered, “3.”

We laughed and Ralph laughed. The message was clear: We may complain about the circumstances of our lives, but we may not be taking the actions necessary to change those circumstances.

In fact, every time we find ourselves complaining, consider that the complaint may be what we’re using in place of acting to change those circumstances.

How much time do you actually devote in reality to taking actions consistent with making more money? How much time do you actually devote in reality to improving your relationships or getting a relationship? How much time do you actually devote in reality to developing yourself in your career?

Your time log will give you the answer to those questions. Consider the possibility that there is a one to one correlation between actions and results.

I’ve taken on the practice of tracking the number of conversations I have daily to promote my business and I’ve noticed that the more conversations I have, the more business I get.

Consider the possibility that we are not failures but rather failures in performing the actions that will produce results.

Your time log will tell you where you are failing in your performance. Take more actions consistent to producing the results you say you want and you will have those results.