Strategies For A Thriving Business and A Thriving Marriage

In the February 18th, 2013 New York Times, Jane Brody writes about research into what it takes to ensure a long, loving marriage. What struck me is how applicable this research is to having a long term, productive and happy business.

Brody cites research by Richard Lucas at Michigan State University who notes that, "the happiness boost that occurs with marriage lasts only about two years, after which people revert to their former levels of happiness."

I noted how applicable that two-year threshold was to my own business experience.

Years ago, one of my first tasks as a training and development manager was to do a turnover study to find out why people voluntarily left the company where I was working. The results of my study clearly showed that the majority of voluntary turnover occurred within the first two years of someone joining the company. If people got past that two-year mark, they were likely to remain with the company for many years to come.

To overcome this "two year itch," in marriage, Sonya Lyubomirsky in her book, "The Myths Of Happiness" recommends "making time to be together and talk, truly listening to each other, and expressing admiration and affection."

Again, that marriage advice aligned with advice I give to businesses. For example, I was recently teaching a "Leadership Fundamentals" course to a company that wanted to shift the culture from one that was authoritarian where employees were afraid to be proactive to one that produced a "motivated, engaged and high performing workforce." Sonya Lyubomirsky would have been proud because the course basically dealt with scheduling time for dialogue between managers and employees, listening to one another and providing motivational feedback.

In her book, "Love 2.0," social psychologist Barbara Fredrickson notes that a flourishing relationship needs three times as many positive interactions as negative ones.

Same in the business world.

In the company mentioned above, the tenor of the conversations had been negative, focusing more on what was wrong than on what was right. This led to an environment in which people avoided taking the initiative for fear they would make a mistake. It's hard for a business to grow in that environment.

To change the culture, I trained the company executives and managers to "catch people doing something right" rather than catching them doing something wrong. In fact, I suggested they play a daily game the object of which was to give three times as much motivational as improvement feedback.

It seems that a thriving business can benefit from the same strategies that will produce a thriving marriage.

Pay Attention To Complaints: They Lead To Relationship Breakthroughs

Recently, I wrote about a surprising encounter I had with a man in a restaurant who I first assumed was "crazy" and then, after listening to him, discovered he wasn't crazy at all.

In response, I heard from a psychiatrist who is on my distribution list. Before you think that he was writing to tell me that I was the crazy one (perhaps he secretly was), this psychiatrist is my uncle and my story had reminded him of something he experienced early in his career.

I'm turning this issue over to that psychiatrist, Cliff Wilkerson, because I think there's a valuable lesson in what he experienced. I've bolded a few phrases that relate to a comment I'll make at the end.

Cliff wrote:

(Your story) reminds me of a child in a day school for the cognitively and emotionally impaired where I once consulted. He kept saying, "Matchbook" to his classmates and to his teacher who would respond, "You can't have a matchbook; matches are dangerous." She was growing impatient with the child  because he brought it up incessantly during the day, day after day. She was also frustrated that he sometimes became agitated when she would tell him about the danger of matches.

I found a matchbook and took it into class with me and, sure enough, the child came up to me and said, "Matchbook."

I took out the matchbook and the child's eyes lighted up as he held out his hand. The teacher looked on anxiously as the child took it from my hand. She firmly believed he would take out a match and strike it. Instead he pointed to the cover and said, "Mother."

"Mother?" I asked.

He nodded and handed the matches back to me. "Mother."

I told the teacher that I thought he was trying to tell her something about missing his mother when he said matchbook, that for some reason a matchbook was a transitional object for him. I suggested she give him an empty matchbook to carry in school and, when he mentioned matchbook, realize he was trying to communicate something about his need for his mother and that the matchbook would very likely quiet him.

She did as I suggested and the boy ceased his constant refrain, "Matchbook," except for times when he needed comfort from his teacher.

The end. Thanks for the contribution, Cliff.

Is there a "matchbook" in your life? Is there someone in your life who, like that child, talks about something "incessantly?" Like the teacher, do you get "frustrated" and try to make the complaint go away? After all, why pay attention to a complaining person when there are so many others who don't complain?

Consider that every complaint contains the seed of an unmet need. Like that child, perhaps the complaining person "was trying to communicate something about his need." Perhaps listening to the complaint will produce a breakthrough in the relationship that might not have occurred otherwise.

After all, a person who complains incessantly is like someone knocking on a door, trying to get the attention of those inside and who will keep knocking until the door is opened.

Perhaps it's time to open some doors.  

By the way, Cliff is also an author and has published a memoir called "Beautiful Brown Eyes and Other Stories" and will soon have a second book in circulation.

Want To Improve Your Relationships? Don't Take It Personally

You may have heard the advice, "Don't take it personally" when you have been told something about yourself that was hurtful or that surprised you or that you disagreed with.

It's hard not to take it personally. Of course, it's personal, you might think. Wasn't the person speaking personally to me?

Actually, no. In reality, the advice not to take it personally is exactly right because it isn't personal. It's never personal because the feedback is not about you but is about the person giving the feedback. In fact, feedback is information for you about the person giving the feedback and what that person needs from you to improve the relationship with you.

I'm not at all suggesting that you ignore feedback you receive. In fact, I'm suggesting the exact opposite: Pay attention to every bit of feedback you receive because you're going to hear exactly what you must do to mend, improve or enhance a relationship from the perspective of the feedback giver and only from the perspective of the feedback giver. Someone else might love the very behavior for which you are being criticized.

By the way, this also applies to feedback that you love to hear. It's not personal. It's information about what you should keep doing in order to maintain a good relationship with the person who gave you the feedback and only with that person. Someone else might dislike the very behavior for which you have just been praised.

Years ago, I was told, "Everything you do is manipulative." It was so long ago I don't even remember who said it or what the circumstances were, but I do remember being stunned by the comment. I thought about it for days. I still think about it although it was so long ago that the sting is gone.

I had no idea what he meant by the comment and I still don't. I was too embarrassed and ashamed to find out. After all, I want to be authentic and trustworthy, not manipulative and sneaky.

I wish I knew then what I know now. Whatever the person meant by his comment would have been incredibly useful feedback not only to improve my relationship with that person but, perhaps, with all people. But I was so busy taking it personally that I missed the golden opportunity with which I was being presented. I failed to ask the simple question, "What do you mean?"

Here's what I do now with all feedback but especially feedback that initially puts me back on my heels:

1.   1. Pause and take a breath before responding. Say to yourself, "It's not about me."

2.   2. If the feedback is particularly upsetting, buy yourself some time to get centered by simply parroting what you just heard. For example, "So you think that everything I do is manipulative."

3.   3. Ask, "Why do you think that" or "What am I doing that causes you to think that?"  Keep asking the person to clarify until the person tells you exactly what you are saying or doing that has caused him/her to give you the feedback.

4.   4. If you care about the relationship, do what the person has requested of you (unless, of course, it violates some ethical or moral principle). For example, if you're told, "you don't listen," listen. If you're told, "I never hear anything complimentary from you," give compliments. If you're told, "You don't help me clean the house," help. If you're told, "You didn't give me a chance to explain my side of the story," give the person a chance to explain his/her side of the story. Give up the right to be defensive and argumentative in exchange for improving the relationship.

In 1988, a woman named T. Cole-Whittaker wrote a book called, "What You Think Of Me Is None Of My Business." Great title. I would change that title, however, to "What You Think Of Me Is The Most Important Business Of My Life," especially if you are important to me.

It's just that what you think of me isn't personal.